I found the purpose of my life.

At least for now. Yesterday!

Again I was thinking while training (yes, these are the moments such thoughts come up!), if everything fits in my life. Travel, to be in India. Why? Since I quit my job at university, Michael is making all the money. Since more than one year now, and that is very long, too long.
We decided to travel and to live on the mountain in China to concentrate on our training of Taijiquan, but nevertheless thoughts are visiting me. Thoughts like: I should do something (more …?) meaningful. I should make money, but how? Almost daily I felt bad, because I did not contribute to our livelihood. I am mainly responsible for our kid (which Michael says is one of the most important task at all).
But still, a “real” – means paid – job just feels more important, socially acknowledged, etc.

Yesterday another thought was popping up: Hey, what is so much better and important, if you go to work (in my case a juridical nine-to-five job) for at least eight hours every day plus one hour to go there and to come back? Then go shopping etc. Everything perfectly planned to not loose one second of the precious free time. And then in the end have this very good feeling: New money on the account. Therefore to live in a rat race for one month with a little bit of free time. And “security”. That’s how I was raised and educated. Its engraved deeply in myself. Find a safe job and then be able to afford something. The problem was, having this, I was not happy.

How can one advance and grow under those circumstances? Face one own fears and let them behind? And is this important at all? Yes, I think so! No growth means standstill. Standstill means beside amazingly boredom death.

I am sure, that people who are much more mature, can find their ways of growing in the rat race as well. But I can not. For me it is very helpful to think out of the box and to be confronted and learn to deal with new situations. A child actually is very helpful, if you are seeking for emotional progress. Everything – especially anger, resentment and stress, are mirrored directly (I am not suggesting to get a child to fasten up this process!!!).

I think, in the end everybody has to answer this question: For what am I living?
Do I want contact with others and spending real quality time together, to be free, sharing love and friendship, to let go and let life be, to be in the moment, to go with the flow, to follow my vision (and actually have one), to follow your heart`s real desire or do I want security, routine, to hold on to things, working just for getting payed, to follow his own master plan, controlling everything like contacts, meetings and the time?
In the past the things mentioned first have been empty words for me. I even got angry, if somebody pronounced them in my present. To practice Taijiquan and Shiatsu is helping me to understand the sense behind them slowly. How important they are for everything. Without them, there is no life! And again, I am sure, that there are a lot of people being in the flow even with a filled up race rat.
I am just starting slowly to see through this.
The biggest problem for me is the lack of security, but hell, what is “secure”?

Yesterday I had a great inspiration, and I found a totally new purpose of life (at least this one was new for me):
I consider myself a student at the school of life now 🙂
What do I mean with this? The school of life is our world and we can grow and learn in every situation.

I decided as soon as I feel anxious, to go into it, to go through it and let it behind me. At least I want to try this. Every day and moment again and again, and I don`t condemn myself any more, if the mental barrier is to strong and I can`t make it.
I want to try to empathise with situations, I want to “feel life” more, rather than think so much, trying to control and analyse everything with the rational mind only.

This is very hard for me, as my head is the leading part and I am used to make pro and contra calculations before coming to a decision.
Saying this, I don`t mean to trust anybody and anything credulously. I just want to come in contact with my own feeling again, to observe it and learn to listen to it. With our hearts we can notice much more then with our heads only.

About perception and the process of making decisions I want to add: Everything from the outside coming in is going through filtration, categorisation and evaluation, right? Only after all that it comes to our consciousness. So how can this be the basis for making decisions?

Further, the school of life means for me, to come in contact to other humans, animals, the nature and to oneself.
This simply is not possible, when we stay in our rational mind only all the time.

Hakuna ma Tata 🙂

What do you think, and how are your experience with this topic?
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Thank you and all best,
Sarah